Family Values-A Cultural Comparison

by Shadow

In Canada, Family Values are a local culture. Some say it is an essential part of Canada and what has made of Canada. In traditional Chinese culture, family values are also important. However, the concept for what constitute a family is different. In China, a family more refers to an extensive family which includes all ancestors, grandma, grandpa, father, mother, father-in-law, mother-in-law, brothers, sisters, husband or wife, kids and their respective such family members, while in Canada it more refers to an immediate family which mostly is constituted by a father, a mother and kids, or a single father or a single mother with kids, or just singles.

Even though, nowadays Chinese families have been dramatically changed, more or less being influenced by western values, with some younger people denouncing traditional values, in a more traditional sense, it is not easy for a person to perform all his/her duties and responsibilities by playing so many roles and balancing so many relations well. Quit often, he/she cannot decide for his/own interest, he/she has to take everybody in the family into consideration for every decision he/she makes, such as which university to go, whom to marry, how to spend his/her money, if he/she has attended all birthday parties, weddings and funerals of the family or the family’s friends. As the traditional culture also requires the young to obey the old, so the older generations within the family tend to be more authoritative. The younger usually listen to the older or at least should respect the elder’s opinion. The younger usually sacrifice their own values to accept the elder’s advice and make decisions to please their parents or grandparents. Piety is considered a very good merit, which also requires the younger give financial support to the older or take care of the older when the elders in the family are too old.

The consequence of this family tradition is the breaking-up of couples, as each of the couples’ opinion has been influenced by their own parents, and their time as well, usually have to split up for all the other members of the family, sometimes, financially as well. On some worse occasions, the brothers or sisters may interfere within their siblings’ decisions in respect of their own affairs which should theoretically be settled within their own spouses, therefore, it is hard to have an everlasting marriage with full understanding or appreciation between couples. Despite of this, marriage can still last a whole life as people’s spiritual dependence does not reply on their spouses only. They have so many relatives to trust or to rely on or to call upon to do things together, or even friends, even though because of this, things may get worse, therefore, most of them don’t really need to believe in god. (I don’t intend to intrude upon any one’s religion, I am just trying to analyze a fact, a reality and to find out why.)

The commonly existing problem for families in China is the de-facto split families, as either parents, or one of the parents are away from hometown to make income. Their absence may be too frequent that they can’t make enough time for their kids and elders. Sometimes even in the same city, the husband or wife may have to be busy with their business and meet clients, so they can’t come home for dinners. Gladly most schools provide accommodations for high school students, which has freed parents from preparing meals and supervising homework every day. The only concern is for the younger kids whose parents leave them alone with grandparents when they are too young.

In Canada or western society, individualism is greatly encouraged. People are led to believe couples are closer to other family relations, specifically, husbands/wives are more important than their own parents or kids, not to mention ancestors or grandkids. There is nothing wrong here, it is also a fact and a reality. Each is encouraged to live for their own happiness. When spouses don’t support each other anymore, there is no such thing called compromising or suffering for other members of the family, they just break up as there is no one else to care about. As for the kids, child custody through the court can always be arranged. Of course, we don’t have to think about what psychological impact this will have on kids. The solution for spiritual support during the difficult time may be looking for new love, religious help, or, in a worst scenario, addition. The first solution may bring back something good because you get help, but there is no guarantee future will be better and more other relationship need to handle, at least the financial problem needs to be addressed as child and spouse support have already taken away large sum of the money, not to mention the money paid to the lawyers. The second one is good, while still you get spiritual help but still have to face problems in reality, more financially, less help, fewer relationships to deal with as well. The third solution can complete take your mind away, you may lose everything which is very sad.

Of course, divorce rate is also high in China. However, their kids can be watched by grandparents and subsidized by other family members such as aunts or uncles. There is not so much burden on a father or mother alone. A divorced father or mother is also unlikely to develop addition problem or turn to religions because of spiritual support they can receive from other people, which may turn out positively to the kids. Not to mention the time freed up to be able to make efforts for career advancement or have entertainment.

One noticeable contrast between the two cultures is that immediate families in China in an ideal situation get financial support from their extensive families while in the west, financial responsibilities are restrictive to each immediate family. Of course, in a worse scenario, family members don’t get money back once even though they might just want to lend. In west, some extensive families may still maintain good relationships emotionally but they separate their finances clearly. There are always exceptions in rare cases in both cultures of course.

Nevertheless, a common problem exists in in-law relationship no matter in what culture. Such problems can become very obvious and difficult to handle especially when in-laws are living under the same roof. Confrontations may exist and hard to handle. Pregnant women and young mothers may be mistreated, abused whether mentally or physically at those times while unknown by outsiders.

In terms of what is the best way to bring up a good kid, it really has nothing to do with any specific culture. If a kid is brought up within an extensive family, he/she learns to respect the elders, take into consideration of others and overall situations; however, if an extensive family is overshadowed by elders all the time, a kid can become too timid, no character and lose confidence, creativity and happiness. If a kid is brought up properly within an immediate family, he/she knows the importance of himself/herself since childhood, hence, he/she is more confident, independent, creative and happy. While if this goes to extreme such as if this kid is more influenced by his peers who are worse, he/she may have no respect for elders or others and become self-centered, may pursue ultimate personal happiness, sometimes may hurt others.

Family values are so important everywhere. We just need to learn from each other, taking the mutual way and understanding others, even though what others think as important not as important to us, as there is not absolute right or wrong in the world. In some sad situations where people grow up without any proper care such as being abandoned or abused by parents and for those who have lost or away from their loving family members, we should have sympathy too. Not everyone is so fortune to have a family with loving members, likewise, not everyone can stay close to all loving family members forever. For you happen to be living alone, you can choose to believe a religion as a spiritual outlet, as long as it is not a misleading one, anything make you feel peaceful and you don’t harm others. Second, you can develop healthy hobbies and share with others who are similar. You can also raise some pets or involve in some volunteer work. Taking care of your aging parents and maintaining good relationship with any one in your life including cashiers, delivery men, coworkers, clients, and hairdressers, is also a good choice. You cannot lose the passion for making a nice meal for yourself or cleaning and decorating your home.

I wish my article can be helpful for those who are in search of family values and for those who want to live better and, in the end, create a better society.

中西家庭观对比（中国vs 加拿大）

作者：（原文英语）影SHADOW 翻译：影Shadow

家庭是加拿大本地价值观，中国传统文化也崇尚家庭。然而两国对于家庭的定义是不同的。在中国，一个家是指一个大家庭，包括外祖父母，祖父母，爸妈，公婆，兄弟姊妹，夫妻及子女以及由他们连带的家庭关系。在加拿大这更多的指的是小家庭，一般就是一个爸爸，一个妈妈及孩子们，或者单亲或单身。

尽管如今的中国家庭在西方家庭观的影响下已有很大转变，年轻一代也远离传统家庭观，然而传统上来说一个人的确不容易扮演这么多的家庭角色及处理好这么多的关系。他/她很难随心地为自己做决定，总得考虑家庭别的成员的想法，小到上哪个大学，娶谁，如何花钱，是否参加所有生日，婚礼，葬礼，传统价值观也要求年轻的服从年长的，所以家族的长者更有权威。年轻的听取年长的建议，至少会尊重长者的意见，最后往往会做出让父母或者祖父母满意的决定。孝道非常重要，年长的太老了的时候年轻的要赡养并照顾长辈。

这种传统家庭观的代价就是父母关系容易破裂，夫妻俩的意见会受到各自父母的影响，他们的时间及物质也会分给家中别的成员。最糟糕的是兄弟姐妹会介入夫妻的内无，所以很难在婚姻内达到完全的理解和欣赏。尽管大家三观不合，婚姻还是可以维持一生。他们各自有很多可以信赖的亲人，也许情况会因此变得更糟，大多数还是不会信神。

目前在中国普遍存在的家庭问题是事实上的分裂家庭，父母双方或父母一方因为需要到外地挣钱不能陪伴小孩，大人的缺席以致他们属于小孩的时间不多，有时尽管在同一城市，夫妻俩或一方可能因为生意应酬需要见客户而不能回家共聚晚餐。所幸的是大部分高中都提供住宿，父母就不用每天做饭和督促小孩作业。孩子太幼小就让祖父母带的隔代教育问题当然不容忽视。

加拿大在内的西方社会里，个人主义颇受鼓励，人们觉得夫妻关系比别的家庭关系更紧密，这种关系超越自己父母和子女，更不用说祖先或孙儿孙女。每个人都被鼓励区追求自己的幸福，当夫妻俩相互不再成为支撑时，往往不会为家庭中别德成员去作妥协或去受苦，从而分道扬镳，反正不用在乎别的人。小孩的监护权由法院裁决，这肯定会对小孩心理造成创伤。离婚后面对困难，解决方案一般三种：另觅爱人，宗教，或者很坏的情况就是上瘾。第一种方案会让人得到帮助，但并不能确保未来更好，而且有更多的关系需要处理，首先要面对的就是财政问题因为离婚得需要支付小孩或配偶的抚养费，而且还有打官司的费用。第二种方案不错，让人精神上得到慰藉，然而也需要面对一些现实的问题，像经济上的，人手上的，唯一的好处就是少一些需要处理的关系。第三种反感最差，会完全摧毁人的精神世界从而让人失去一切。

当然中国的离婚率也很高，但是小孩有祖父母或外祖父母监护，经济上也可能有别的家庭成员支持像阿姨或叔叔，姑姑或姑父，而不必让单亲独自承担。单亲也可以从别的亲戚朋友那里得到精神上的支持。他们也有很多自有的时间来发展自己或娱乐放松。

如何才能带好孩子，这和哪个文化都没有关系。如果一个孩子是从大家庭里长大的，就学会了尊重长者，考虑他人和总体情况。然而如果一个大家庭长者权力过大，孩子会太胆怯，缺乏个性，自信心创造力会缺乏，而且没有快乐。如果小孩在一个小家庭里正确地长大，就知道自我的重要性，更加自信，独立，又创造力并更有幸福感。但是如果走向极端比方说孩子受不良朋友影响，会变得对长者不尊重，自我中心，甚至把快乐建立在他人的痛苦之上。

两种文化鲜明对比就是中国在理想状态下，小家庭在经济上能得到大家庭的援助，有时提供经济援助的家庭成员即使是借钱出去也收不回来。而在西方，小家都坚持自己独立的帐户，有的大家庭也会在感情上维持良好的关系。不过两种文化都有例外。

家庭价值观在哪里都很重要，我们需要相互切磋，取长补短，因为这没有绝对的好和绝对的坏。那些自小被父母遗弃或虐待的或者远离爱的家人的人，我们应该充满同情心。不是每个人都那么幸运在爱的家庭成长大，也不是每个人都那么幸运永远和爱的亲人在一起。如果你有天独自生活，你可以信教，只要能带给你平静又不伤害他人就行。你也可以做各种有益的事，善待他人。任何时候别忘了给自己好好做顿饭，把房间布置干净美观。

希望我的文章能帮助那些想理解家庭是什么的人，也能帮助大家过更好的生活，从而造就更好的社会毕竟家庭是社会的组成细胞。