How to Raise a Happy, Successful Child: 25 Tips Backed by Science 如何培养成功、快乐的孩子

by Daniel Wong Translated by William Wong

Original Article below:

Every parent wants to raise children who are happy and successful.

But there’s so much parenting advice out there.

Who should you listen to?

And which advice is trustworthy?

To answer those questions, I read through dozens of scientific articles and

research journals.

I’ve compiled this list of 25 scientific ways to bring up confident and well-

adjusted children.

1. Become a happier person yourself.

Emotional problems in parents are linked to emotional problems in their

children, as explained in Raising Happiness. Not only that, unhappy people

are also less effective parents.

Psychologists Carolyn and Philip Cowan have also found that happy

parents are more likely to have happy children.

In one study in The Secrets of Happy Families, children were asked: “If you

were granted one wish about your parents, what would it be?”

Their answer?

No, it wasn’t that their parents would spend more time with them. Neither

was it that their parents would nag at them less, or give them more

freedom.

The children’s wish was that their parents were less stressed and tired.

So what can you do to become a happier person? Here’s an article with

many practical suggestions.

2. Celebrate as a family, as often as you can.

Happy families celebrate both the small and big things: the end of a busy

week, a good grade, the first day of school, a job promotion, holidays and

festivals.

The celebrations can be as simple as going to the park together, or as

elaborate as throwing a surprise party.

Happy families lead to happy children, so make it a point to celebrate as a

family often.

3. Prioritize your marriage over your children.

Family therapist David Code, author of To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your

Marriage First, says: “Families centered on children create anxious,

exhausted parents and demanding, entitled children. We parents today

are too quick to sacrifice our lives and marriages for our kids.”

He goes on to explain, “The greatest gift you can give your children is to

have a fulfilling marriage.”

I’m not a marriage expert, but here are some simple tips to strengthen

your marriage (they’ve definitely helped me and my wife!):

 Hug at least twice a day

 Greet each other joyfully

 Compliment each other

 Hold hands often

 Have regular dates

 Spend at least 20 minutes in conversation every day

 Say “I love you” every day

4. When your children talk to you, give them your

undivided attention.

Communicating well with your children is vital if you want them to be happy

and successful. One powerful way to do this is to give them your full

attention whenever they speak to you.

This means putting aside your newspapers and electronic devices, and

really listening to what they have to say.

You’ll respond more thoughtfully, which will encourage your children to

become more communicative.

5. Have regular meals together as a family.

Children who have regular meals with their families become more

successful in almost every area, as explained in The Secrets of Happy

Families.

These children have larger vocabularies, greater self-confidence, and get

better grades. They are also less likely to drink, smoke, do drugs, or

develop psychological issues.

And all because these families frequently have meals together!

6. Teach your children to manage their emotions.

John Gottman’s research shows that children who can regulate their

emotions focus better, which is important for long-term success. These

children even enjoy better physical health.

To help your children manage their emotions, you should:

 Demonstrate emotional self-management yourself

 Empathize with your children

 Explain to your children that all feelings are acceptable, but not all

behaviors are

 Acknowledge your children’s progress

7. Teach your children to build meaningful relationships.

Jack Shonkoff and Deborah Phillips found that having strong relationships is

vital for children’s growth and psychological well-being.

Children who lack these relationships do worse in school, are more likely

to get in trouble with the law, and are more likely to have psychiatric

problems.

What can parents do to help their children form meaningful relationships?

Parents must respond appropriately to their children’s emotional cues

(see Point #6). By doing so, their children will feel more secure. This forms

the foundation of self-esteem.

Parents should create an environment for their children to form

friendships, while also teaching them to resolve conflicts.

8. Set reasonable boundaries for your children.

Parents who set and enforce reasonable boundaries raise confident,

successful children.

Dr. Nancy Darling and Dr. Linda Caldwell found that effective parents

explain the logic of the rules to their children. These parents state the

principles behind the rules. In so doing, they form a closer, more

understanding relationship with their children.

Darling says about parents who don’t set boundaries: “… kids take the lack

of rules as a sign that their parents don’t actually care – that their parents

don’t really want this job of being a parent.”

As a parent, it’s unhealthy to be too controlling. But children need

boundaries to make the most of their potential.

9. Ensure that your children get enough sleep.

Research shows that children who get insufficient sleep:

 Have poorer brain function

 Can’t focus well

 Are more likely to become obese

 Are less creative

 Are less able to manage their emotions

Scary list, isn’t it?

To help your children get enough sleep, establish a consistent bedtime

routine and limit stimulating activities after dinner.

In addition, don’t allow screen time within one to two hours of bedtime.

This is because the blue light from electronic devices affects sleep

patterns and inhibits melatonin production.

You can also make your children’s bedroom as quiet and dark as possible,

to improve their sleep quality.

10. Focus on the process, not the end result.

Parents who overemphasize achievement are more likely to bring up

children who have psychological problems and engage in risky behavior, as

described in Raising Happiness.

The alternative to focusing on achievement?

Focus on the process.

As Dr. Carol Dweck’s research shows, children who concentrate on effort

and attitude – not on the desired result – end up attaining greater success

in the long run.

So look out for opportunities to acknowledge your children’s good

behavior, attitude, and effort. As time goes by, they’ll naturally achieve

better outcomes.

11. Give your children more time to play.

When I say “play,” I’m not referring to arcade or iPad games. I’m referring

to unstructured playtime, preferably outdoors.

Raising Happiness describes how playtime is essential for children’s

learning and growth. The research even indicates that the less

unstructured playtime children have, the more likely they are to have

developmental issues related to their physical, emotional, social, and

mental well-being.

Having a playful attitude is even linked to superior academic performance.

So give your children more unstructured playtime, and they’ll become

better students.

12. Reduce your children’s TV time.

The studies quoted in Raising Happiness show a strong link between

increased happiness and less TV time. In other words, happy people watch

less TV than unhappy people.

A study of over 4,000 teenagers found that those who watched more TV

were more likely to become depressive. This likelihood increased with

more TV time.

Set an example for your children by limiting your own TV time. You can

also have a family discussion to decide on your family’s TV-watching

guidelines.

(The research I found focused on TV time, but I’m sure the results would

be similar for other kinds of screen time as well.)

13. Encourage your children to keep a gratitude journal.

Keeping a gratitude journal can increase your happiness levels by 25%

over just 10 weeks, as shown by Dr. Robert Emmons’ research.

I’m sure the results would have been even more impressive if the duration

of the study was longer!

Not only were the participants who kept a gratitude journal happier, they

also had more hope for the future, and they fell sick less often.

How can you start keeping a gratitude journal?

Step 1: Get a notebook and pen, and put them on your bedside table.

Step 2: Every night before you go to sleep, write down two or three things that

you’re thankful for. (Don’t worry about how “big” or “small” these things are.)

Here are some examples of what you might write:

 Good health

 Loving family

 Beautiful sunset

 Delicious chicken stew for dinner

 Smooth traffic on the way home

14. Allow your children to make their own choices

(including choosing their own punishment).

The Secrets of Happy Families discusses a University of California study,

which identified the benefits of letting children plan their own schedules

and set their own goals.

These children were more likely to become disciplined and focused, and to

make wiser decisions in the future.

The researchers also found that it’s helpful for parents to let their children

choose their own punishments. Children who do so break the rules less

frequently.

Let your children pick their own activities too, whenever possible. Dr. Rich

Gilman discovered that children who participate in structured school

activities that they’ve chosen are 24% more likely to enjoy going to school.

So as your children get older, give them the freedom to make more of their

own choices. They’ll become happier and more successful as a result.

15. Resolve the conflicts in your marriage.

Children whose parents have serious marital conflicts perform worse

academically, are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, and are more

likely to have emotional problems, as shown by this study by Kelly Musick.

No surprises there.

Through my work with students, I interact with many parents as well. I’m

shocked by the number of families in which the parents have major

ongoing marital issues. (Based on my observations, I estimate that 30% of

these marriages are breaking apart.)

This definitely impacts the children, who become less motivated,

responsible, and engaged.

If you have issues in your marriage that have gone unresolved for months

or years, please seek help from a therapist or counselor. Your children –

and your marriage – are counting on you.

16. Encourage your children to serve others and be

generous.

Dr. Mark Holder’s study of children aged 8 to 12 indicates that children

who feel as if their lives are meaningful are also happier.

What makes them perceive their lives as more meaningful?

When they serve other people, e.g. making a difference in the community,

volunteering, helping their friends and family.

Being generous also makes children happier, as found by Dr. L.B. Aknin.

She discovered that toddlers are happier when they give away treats to

others than when they receive treats. Interestingly, toddlers become even

happier when they give away treats that belong to them, rather than the

same treats that don’t belong to them.

So encourage your children to serve others and be generous, and find

ways to do this as a family too.

17. Promote a healthy body image.

Having a healthy body image is especially important for girls, although it

can affect boys as well.

According to a study conducted by the Institute of Child Health, one-third

of 13-year-old girls are upset over their weight. In addition, research by

Dove found that 69% of mothers make negative comments about their

bodies in front of their children. This affects their children’s own body

image.

Here are some ways to promote a healthy body image in your children:

 Focus on the health benefits of exercise, rather than on how it affects

your appearance

 Focus more on your children’s character and skills development, and

less on their appearance

 Exercise together as a family

 Talk to your children about how the media influences the way we

view our bodies

 Don’t talk about how guilty you feel after eating certain foods

 Don’t pass judgment on other people’s appearance

18. Don’t shout at your children.

Dr. Laura Markham describes how yelling at your children can quickly turn

your home into a perpetual battleground. Children who live in such a

hostile environment are more likely to feel insecure and anxious.

If you’re on the verge of losing your temper, remove yourself from the

situation. Take 10 minutes to collect your thoughts before speaking to

your child again. Practice empathizing with your children’s feelings

through a process called “emotion coaching.”

If it helps, imagine that your friend or boss is there with you in the room.

This way, you’ll speak more calmly to your children.

19. Teach your children to forgive.

Dr. Martin Seligman, widely recognized as the father of positive

psychology, has identified forgiveness as a key element that leads to

happiness in children. Unforgiveness has even been linked to depression

and anxiety.

Children who learn to forgive are able to turn negative feelings about the

past into positive ones. This increases their levels of happiness and life

satisfaction.

Be a role model for your children.

Don’t hold grudges against people who have wronged you, and take the

initiative to resolve personal conflicts. Discuss the importance of

forgiveness with your children, so that they’ll turn forgiveness into a

lifestyle.

20. Teach your children to think positively.

Not surprisingly, Dr. Seligman also found that children who are more

optimistic tend to be happier.

How can you teach your children to think positively?

Encouraging them to keep a gratitude journal is one way (see Point #13).

Here are some additional ways:

 Develop a positive attitude yourself

 Don’t complain

 Don’t gossip

 Don’t make a huge deal out of spilled drinks, broken plates, etc.

 See the good in others and acknowledge it

 Teach your children to phrase things positively, e.g. “I like playing with

David and Sarah” instead of “I hate playing with Tom”

 Tell your children about the challenges you face, and how those

challenges are helping you grow

21. Create a family mission statement.

Bruce Feiler, author of The Secrets of Happy Families, advises parents to

develop a family mission statement. This statement describes your family’s

values and collective vision.

Just about every organization has a mission statement, and so should your

family. Here’s an excellent step-by-step guide to creating your family

mission statement.

My own family has done it – the process was extremely meaningful!

22. Have regular family meetings.

Feiler’s other recommendation is to have a 20-minute family meeting once

a week. During the meeting, he suggests that you ask all family members

these three questions:

 What did you do well in the past week?

 What did you not do so well in the past week?

 What will you work on in the coming week?

When I was younger, my family used to have regular meetings. These

meetings brought the family closer together, and reinforced the

importance of family relationships.

To this day, I still remember how I excited I was about attending those

meetings. So I encourage you to start this practice, if you haven’t already

done so.

23. Share your family history with your children.

The research shows that children who know more about their family history

have higher levels of self-esteem. This contributes to their success and

happiness later in life.

Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush have developed a “Do You Know”

scale that lists 20 questions, which children should be able to answer

about their family history.

These questions include “Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries

that your parents experienced when they were younger?” and “Do you

know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in

school?”.

Sharing your family history strengthens family bonds, and helps your

children to become more resilient.

24. Create family rituals.

Make a conscious effort to create these rituals in your family.

Here are some examples:

 Have breakfast as a family every Saturday

 Have a family board game night

 Cook dinner as a family

 Go for evening walks

 Hold a weekly family meeting (see Point #22)

 Go camping as a family once a year

 “Date” each of your children once a month

25. Help your children to find a mentor.

Children who have a trusted adult in their life (apart from their parents)

have 30% higher levels of life satisfaction than children who don’t, Dr. Lisa

Colarossi has discovered.

You can find a mentor for your child by asking your friend to take on the

role, by encouraging your child to join an organization like the Boys & Girls

Club, or by signing up for a mentoring program (like this one that I offer).

Here’s a useful article with more information and guidelines.

The bottom line

Parenting is a noble calling, but it isn’t easy to bring up confident, well-

adjusted children.

But with these 25 tips, I hope the task is a little bit less daunting. (I’m

definitely going to implement these tips as my wife and I raise our son, and

our future children too!)

So take it one step at a time, one day at a time, and one tip at a time. I know

you’re up to the challenge.

如何培养成功、快乐的孩子

———— 25条基于科研成果的建议

作者: 丹尼尔·黄 翻译：王威廉

每一位父母都希望能培养出快乐、成功的孩子。

市面上的相关育儿经多如过江之鲫，哪些建议才是中肯的呢？为了解开这个困惑，我研读了很多相关的科技文章和学术期刊。从中总结、归纳出25条关于如何抚养自信且适应力强的孩子的科学方法。

1. 让你自己变得快乐

《提高幸福感》（Raising Happiness）一书中解释了家长的情绪问题为什么和孩子的情绪问题息息相关。 不仅如此，书中也解释了为什么郁郁寡欢的父母在育儿上也是事倍功半。心理学家卡罗琳·柯万（Carolyn Cowan）和飞利浦·柯万（Philip Cowan）同样也在他们的研究中发现 —— 生性快乐开朗的父母生育的孩子也会快乐。

在《快乐家庭的秘密》（The Secrets of Happy Families）一书中，有一项研究项目是向孩子们询问：“如果可以让你给自己的父母许个愿望，你会许什么愿望呢？” 他们是怎么回答的呢？答案既不是“希望父母多花点时间陪他们。”，也不是“希望父母少点唠叨。”或者是“多给点他们一些自由。” ，而是希望他们的父母可以少一些压力和劳累。

怎样做才能让自己成为一个快乐的人呢？《快乐的想法：那些已被证明可以使你更快乐的事》（Happy Thoughts: Here are the things proven to make you happier）一文给出了许多非常实用的建议。

2. 尽可能多地合家欢庆

“快乐家庭“，事无巨细都会庆祝一番：在结束了忙碌的一周工作、拿到了一个好分数、开学日、工作晋升，假期或者节日。庆祝方式可以简单到：一家人去趟公园，或是来一次意料之外的派对。

快乐的家庭中的孩子必然快乐。所以经常举家欢庆和重要。

3. 让孩子为婚姻让一下路

《请把婚姻放第一位——为了培养快乐的孩子》（To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First）的作者，家庭治疗师大卫·克德（David Code）说过：“以孩子为中心的家庭会使父母身心疲惫，也会使孩子焦躁不安。当下的父母在孩子的培养上过于急功近利，甚至于以牺牲自己的婚姻和生活为代价。”

大卫继而解释道：“一个完满的婚姻才是你可以给到孩子们的最棒的礼物”

我虽不是婚姻方面的专家，但是我有一些简单的小贴士可以用来帮助你巩固婚姻（这些建议使我和我的妻子受益匪浅！）：

· 每天至少拥抱两次；

· 互道由衷的问候；

· 彼此间不要吝啬恭维的话；

· 多多牵手

· 常常出去约会一下；

· 每天至少花上20分钟用来谈心；

· 坚持每天说 “我爱你！“。

4. 孩子同你说话时，也要全神贯注

如果你希望孩子快乐且有所成就, 那么保持与孩子间良好的沟通是非常重要的。一个行之有效的方法就是“当孩子们在和你说话时，务必做到全神贯注 —— 你要放下你手中的报纸或者任何电子设备，去认真地聆听孩子说的话。”

如果你用心去对待和孩子们的交谈，这就会使你的孩子变得能说会道、善于表达。

5. 多和家人一起用餐

正如《快乐家庭的秘笈》（The Secrets of Happy Families）一书中所解释的 —— 常和家人一起吃饭的孩子所取得的成就是全面的。这些孩子往往拥有更大的词汇量，交流起来也更加充满自信，当然也能取得更好的成绩。他们会去酗酒、抽烟、嗑药或者产生心理问题的可能性会更小。

归根结底就是因为这些孩子所在的家庭成员能够经常在一起吃饭。

6. 告诉孩子如何去管理他们的情绪

约翰·戈特曼（John Gottman）的研究表明：知道去调整自我情绪的孩子更容易集中注意力。这种能力对于孩子长期、健康的发展很重要。同时，这些孩子的体格甚至也比同龄人更强壮。

为了帮助孩子去管理他们的情绪，你应该:

· 言传身教：以实际行动向孩子展示如何管理情绪；

· 感同身受：切实体会孩子们在情绪变化中的感受；

· 循循善诱：告诉孩子们，各种情绪都是可以被理解，但由情绪带来的行为却不是都能被接受的；

· 对于孩子所取得的进步要加以及时的表扬。

7. 告诉孩子如何去建立有意义的人际关系

杰克·肖恩科夫（Jack Shonkoff）和黛博拉·菲利普斯（Deborah Phillips）指出 —— 拥有牢固的人际关系对于孩子身心健康大有裨益。孩子如果缺少健康的人际关系，他们不仅在学校里的表现会让人大伤脑筋，在社会中也容易做出违法的事情；并且他们也更容易产生心理问题。

家长应该怎样来帮助自己的孩子去建立起有意义的人际关系呢？

对于孩子们在情绪上所表现出的暗示，父母应予恰当地回应（参考第6条建议）。这样做可以让孩子感到安全。这样做也为孩子们自信心的建立打下了良好的基础。

在为孩子营造出建立友谊的氛围的同时；父母也要教会孩子们如何去解决随之而来的分歧。

8. 为孩子设立合理的界限

为孩子制定了合理的界限并能付诸于实效的家长能培养出自信且成功的孩子。

南希·达林博士（Dr. Nancy Darling）和琳达·考德威尔博士（Dr. Linda Caldwell）在他们的研究中发现 —— 卓有成效的父母会为孩子们解释每条规则的来龙去脉。在为孩子们解释每条规则背后道理的同时，他们与孩子间关系也变得越发得紧密，彼此间的理解也得到了加深。

达林博士在谈及那些不为自己孩子设定界限的父母时指出：“…… 孩子们会把缺少规则视为他们父母对自己漠不关心的一种信号 —— 他们的父母不想承担起作为家长的责任。”

家长对于孩子过渡管控，当然是不利于孩子们成长的。但要想激发孩子们最大的潜力，对于他们的行为设限则势在必行。

9. 确保孩子能有充足的睡眠

相关研究表明，睡眠不足的孩子容易产生以下的问题：

· 脑部机能变弱；

· 注意力无法集中；

· 易罹患肥胖症；

· 缺少创造力；

· 缺乏管控情绪的能力；

听上去是不是很可怕？

为了让孩子获得充足的睡眠，就需要为他们制定有规律的就寝习惯 —— 对晚饭后的剧烈运动要加以限制。此外，在入睡前的一、两个小时内，不要让孩子去看电视。这是因为电子产品所发出的蓝光会影响孩子们的睡眠质量并且抑制他们体内褪黑素的分泌。对于孩子的卧室，也要尽量布置的平和且静谧，从而有助于提升孩子的睡眠质量。

10. 用心于“过程”，而非“结果”

《提高幸福感》（Raising Happiness）一书中描述过：“过分地强调孩子成绩的父母所培养出的孩子会存在些许的心理问题。这些心理问题会使他们做出过激的行为”。

除了关心成绩，我们还有其他选择吗？那就是让我们用心于过程。

如在卡罗尔·德韦克博士（Dr. Carol Dweck）的研究中表明的那样：孩子如果能专注于“努力”和“态度”，而非既定的结果 —— 从长远来看，他们一定会取得较大的成就。

因此，留意一切的机会去表扬孩子们已有的良好习惯，积极的心态以及所他们付出的努力。随着岁月的增长，对于这些孩子来说，好的“结果”送有一天会水到渠成的。

11. 给孩子们更多的时间去“玩”

我所谓的“玩”，并非是游艺机或者是iPad中的电子游戏，而是指那些给与孩子们自由活动的时间，尤其是那些户外活动。

《提高幸福感》中表述了活动时间对于孩子们的学习和成长是如何的重要。书中相关的研究也指出：给与孩子们自由活动时间的越少，也越容易导致他们发育问题的发生，譬如在身体、情绪、社交以及心理健康上的一些问题。

拥有乐观活泼的心态和取得优异的成绩是息息相关的。越是让孩子们去无拘无束地“玩”；未来，他们也越有可能成为更优秀的学生。

12. 减少孩子们看电视的时间

引用《提高幸福感》一书中的研究：“幸福感的增加”与“看电视时间的减少”密切相关——快乐的人相较烦恼的人花在看电视上的时间更少。

一项针对超过4000名青少年的研究发现：看电视多更容易使孩子抑郁，且发生的概率随着看电视时间的增加而加大。因此，克制自己少看电视的同时也是为孩子树立了一个榜样。你完全可以来一次家庭讨论来决定家庭成员看电视的指南。

（这项研究虽然只针对看电视的时间，但我确信研究结果也适用于其他的一些‘荧幕’时间。）

13. 鼓励孩子写感恩日记

在罗伯特·爱孟斯博士（Dr. Robert Emmons）的研究报告中指出：坚持写感恩日记10周，能使你的快乐指数上升25%。我确信的是如果这项研究可以持续得再久一些，那么其结果应该会更加让人惊艳。

那些实验参与者不仅感到更快乐，也对他们的未来更加憧憬。同时，研究发现他们比以往更少生病。

那如何养成写感恩日记的习惯呢？

步骤1：在桌边常备一本笔记本和一支笔；

步骤2：在每晚入睡前，写下两、三件令你感激的事情（不必在乎事情的“大”、“小”）。

你可以模仿着下面的例子来写：

· 健康的身体；

· 和睦的家庭；

· 绚烂的晚霞；

· 为晚餐精心准备美味炖鸡；

· 回家时，一路畅通无阻。

14. 让孩子自己做选择（包括对自己的惩罚）

在《快乐家庭的秘笈》一书中探讨过一个源于加州大学的研究案例。该研究证实了“让孩子自己安排作息时间”以及“为自己制定目标”能够使孩子们从中受益匪浅。参与此项实验的孩子大多变得更加自律和专注，并能在未来拥有更睿智的决策能力。

研究者也发现，让孩子们来选择对他们自己的惩罚，这招对家长们来说非常管用 —— 能够按此方法做的孩子们会很少去犯错了。

只要有可能，也要让孩子去选择自己的活动。里奇·吉尔曼博士（Dr. Rich Gilman）发现：如果孩子所参加的校园活动是他们自己选择的，那么在这些孩子中有超过24%的人也更喜欢上学。

因此，随着孩子年龄的增长，也逐步要给他们更多的自由去为自己做选择 —— 这样做会使他们变得更加乐观、更有成就感。

15. 解决婚姻中的矛盾

通过凯利·穆西克（Kelly Musick）研究得出：如果父母的婚姻矛盾很严重，那么他们孩子的学习成绩也会越发的糟糕，这些孩子更容易学会滥用药物和酒精，也更有可能导致情绪问题的产生。

这已是尽人皆知。

在对学生进行研究的同时，我也和这些孩子的家长进行了沟通。令我吃惊的是：在许多家庭中，家长们正在经历着婚姻问题（据我的观察，其中约有30%的婚姻行将破裂）。这绝对会对他们的孩子产生深刻的影响：孩子们将会变得消沉、缺少责任心并对周遭事物缺乏热情。

如果你也存在一些历经数月或数年都悬而未决的婚姻问题的话，那么请立刻向婚姻治疗师或相关专家寻求帮助。因为你孩子的幸福、你自身婚姻的幸福都取决于你现在所做的一切。

16. 鼓励孩子乐善好施

马克·霍德博士（Dr. Mark Holder）在一项对8-12岁孩子的研究中指出：觉得自己每天的生活都很有意义的孩子，通常也会觉得自己生活得更快乐。

是什么使他们觉得的生活如此有意义呢？就是在他们帮助别人时候，如为社区做出贡献时、做自愿者时，以及帮助自己的朋友和家人时。

在L.B.阿克宁博士（Dr. L.B. Aknin）的研究中发现：待人慷慨大方的同时，孩子也能从中感受到更多的快乐。她发现：即便是尚在蹒跚学步的幼儿，也能在“施予”中感受到比在“接受”中更多的快乐。有趣的是，相比向他人赠送不属于自己的东西，幼儿们更高兴送给别人属于自己的东西。

因此，要鼓励孩子们乐善好施；同时家人也要想办法一同参与。

17. 树立健康的身体形象

拥有健康的身体形象会对男孩的成长产生影响，但这点对于女孩来说却尤为重要。

根据一项来自于儿童健康研究机构所作的研究，近三成的13岁女孩会沮丧于自己的体重。另外,在多芬的研究中发现，有69%的母亲曾当着自己孩子的面对自己的身体做出负面的评价。这种评价会对孩子自身的身体形象产生潜移默化的影响。

这里有一些方法可以帮助你的孩子去树立健康身体形象：

· 多关心运动给身体健康带来的益处，而不是对外表产生的影响；

· 多关心孩子们在个性和技能上的培养，少花点精力在他们的外表上；

· 全家在一起做运动；

· 告诉孩子媒体是如何影响我们看待自己身体的方式；

· 不要去谈论你因为摄入某种食物，而产生的负罪感；

· 不要对他人的外表评头论足。

18. 不要对着孩子吼叫

劳拉·马克汉姆博士（Dr. Laura Markham）描述了对孩子咆哮是如何迅速地将家庭变成一个永久的战场。生活在这样的一个充满敌意的环境中，孩子会更加没有安全感，并且容易焦虑。

当你觉得忍无可忍时，要尽快让自己从这样的情绪中摆脱出来。在与孩子谈话前，先花上10分钟来整理一下自己的思路。通过一种叫做“情绪疏导”的方式来和你的孩子产生共鸣。

想象一下此时你正和朋友或是老板身处一室 —— 如果这样对你有所帮助的话。这样做会使你在孩子交谈时变得心平气和一些。

19. 教孩子要宽容大度

马丁·塞利格曼博士（Dr. Martin Seligman）公认的“积极心理学”之父曾指出宽容大度是孩子们快乐成长的关键因素。刻薄寡恩基本已和抑郁和焦虑相提并论了。

学着去宽容的孩子会将自己的负面情绪向积极的一面调整。这么做能够增加孩子们的幸福感和对生活的满意度。

为孩子树立榜样 —— 要宽宏大量，不要睚眦必报。多和孩子讨论宽容的重要性则会让孩子把宽容融入自己日常的生活方式中去。

20. 告诉孩子要积极地思考

由此，塞利格曼博士得出“乐观的孩子会也愈加快乐”的结论也不足为奇了。

如何去引导孩子积极地思考呢？

鼓励孩子们去写感恩日记是一个办法（参考第13条建议）。这里还有一些其他的方法：

· 家长自己先确立一个积极的态度；

· 不要怨天尤人；

· 不要道听途说

· 不要小题大做；

· 对人应不遗寸长；

· 引导孩子使用积极语言来描述事物，比如用“我喜欢和戴维和莎拉一起玩。”代替“我讨厌和汤姆一起玩。“；

· 告诉孩子你所面对的挑战，让他们知道你将从这些挑战中如何使自己得到历练。

21. 制定家庭使命书

《快乐家庭的秘笈》一书的作者，布鲁斯·费勒（Bruce Feiler）建议家长要制定一份家庭使命书。在这份使命书中描述了家庭的价值观以及家庭成员的共同愿景。

正如每个组织都要有一份使命书，每个家庭也要有各自的使命书。网上有一篇很棒的手把手的教程可以来指导你去制定这样的“使命书”。

我家已制定了一份 —— 整个制定过程都极具意义！

22. 例行的家庭会议

费勒的另一条建议就是每周要举行一次为期20分钟的家庭会议。他建议在会议中可以向每位家庭成员提出三个问题：

· 在过去的一周，你做得最棒的事情是哪件？

· 在过去的一周，你把什么事情搞砸了？

· 在新的一周里，你打算做些什么事情？

当我年纪稍小的时候，我家曾定期举行家庭会议。这些会议不仅拉近了家人之间的距离，也强调了家庭关系的重要性。

时至今日，我还依稀记得，参加那些会议时我是多么得兴奋。如果你还没有这样做，我建议你立刻开始着手做吧。

23. 和孩子分享你们的家庭史

调查显示，对自己家族的历史了解越多，孩子们的自尊心就越发的强烈。这有助于他们日后的取得成功和获得幸福。

马歇尔·杜克(Marshall Duke)博士和罗宾·菲乌什(Robyn Fivush)博士设计了一个叫“你知道吗”(Do You Know)的测试表。其中所列出的20个有关家族史的问题，都是孩子们能够回答的。在这些问题中，包括了“你知道你父母年轻时曾遭受过的病痛和伤害吗?”和“你知道你的父母在读书时，曾遇经历过的一些事情吗?” 等一些问题。

通过分享家族会使家庭成员间的纽带更加牢固，也使得孩子们在面对挫折时更有坚韧。

24. 建立家庭文化

有意识地为自己的家庭培养一些特有的家庭文化。

下面的例子可供参考：

· 每周六，家人们一起共进早餐；

· 举办“家庭桌游之夜”；

· 全家在一起动手做一顿晚餐；

· 全家一起在晚间散步；

· 每周举行一次家庭会议（参考第22条建议）；

· 一年一度的家庭野营；

· 每月和家中的每个孩子“约会”一次。

25. 为孩子物色一位“良师”

丽莎·科拉罗西（Lisa Colarossi）博士在研究中对比发现：生活中，孩子如果有一位赖以信任的成年人（除父母以外）陪伴，相较于那些没有的孩子，他们的对生活的满意度会高出30%。

你可以让孩子参加类似“男孩、女孩俱乐部”的活动，并让让自己的某位朋友在活动中担任孩子的“良师”，或者通过参加某项辅导活动（如我所提供的这个链接中提及的）来为孩子找一位“辅导老师”。

这里有篇相关文章不妨可以读一下，里面提供了很多的信息和指导方法。

26. 结束语

为人父母是一项崇高的使命。但在培养自信且适应能力强的孩子上不可能一步登天。但我希望，上文所述的25条建议能够为你在育儿的道路上指点迷津。（为了我的儿子，我一定会采用这些建议。当然这也是为了我们下一个孩子。）

积硅步乃至千里，育儿莫不是如此。我相信你一定会迎难而上的。😊